Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Best of Lovers, Best of Friends

How do you keep the music playing? How do you make it last? How do you keep a song from fading too fast? How do you lose yourself to someone and never lose your way? How do you not run out of new things to say? These lovely lyrics of Alan and Marilyn Bergman and sung superbly by Tony Bennett, beg the question couples ask every day. In a world where lasting marriage is unique and the challenge of blended families the norm, one answer lies in how partners are chosen. Here are ten suggestions for finding a lover and friend.

What not to do:

Marry before you know yourself, much less the other person.
Listen to self doubt and limited thinking.
Wait for someone to find you while hiding out in front of the TV.
Let the chemistry of new love blind you to red flags.
Avoid looking at your relationship history and what you need to learn.
Keep all your bad habits and expect others to tolerate them.
Don’t bother gaining communications skills and self awareness.
Let your dog be your best friend and don’t get to know anyone else.
Avoid saying what you really think about things.
Stop all hobbies and interests while waiting for someone to show up.

What to do:

Know who you are and what you want. Look carefully below the surface and the obvious.
Learn how to get what you want.
Be the “chooser.”
Balance your heart with your head and know chemistry can lead you astray.
Be ready and available for commitment.
Be the kind of partner you are seeking.
Gain relationship knowledge and skills.
Create a support community.
Practice assertiveness.
Be a successful person by not putting life on hold while looking for someone.

These suggestions by David Steele take time and effort to evolve. When the ten steps are fulfilled, life is full and rich and meaningful, and the right person appears. We are more likely to find the perfect person when living purposefully and mindfully. And if you try every day to make it better as it grows, the music never ends.

Contact Pamela Simmons, Licensed Professional Counselor/Relationship Coach, at or

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